Always Yours Read online

  Royce and my mom helped me clean up dinner and then we said goodnight. They had a lot to do this week, seeing as how they were leaving again on Friday for another vacation, and they needed to get some rest. I wasn't upset, I was emotionally drained, still hung over and tired as hell. Lying down, I tried to get some sleep but as hard as I tried, I couldn't. My mind was still reeling. I had to keep telling myself that ending things with Cam was the right thing to do— we weren't ready for this. I just wished my heart felt the same way.

  Grabbing my phone I sent Cam a text.

  Can we meet at Maggie's tomorrow at 12? I'm ready to talk.

  I'll be there.

  Leaning up against my car, I waited for Cam to pull up to Maggie's Place. The empty feeling in the pit of my stomach was overbearing and the tip of my thumb was numb from my teeth clamping down on it. When I saw his truck turn into the parking lot the desire to run hit me hard. Everything I had planned out, everything I wanted to say to him vanished. My mind was blank and I had no clue what I was doing.

  Stepping out of the truck, I could see the despair on in his features—his eyes were underlined with darkness, he had more than a five o'clock shadow, and his hair was tousled beyond the norm. He walked unhurriedly towards me, his head hanging low and his shoulders slumped. It took every ounce of control not to run to him—I hated seeing him like this.

  Slowly, he lifted his eyes and they met mine. I could see a fire reignite inside of him when they did. His pace quickened and his posture became more confident. "Don't say a word," he said. I didn't even have time to respond before his lips connected with mine. Grabbing hold of my body, he pulled me to him, so close that our bodies became one. His lips were soft, yet determined as he moved them against mine and they sent a rush of desire straight through me.

  The reality of what was happening finally hit home. This was our final kiss—our goodbye—he knew it, I knew, and it wrecked me. Giving in, I brought my hands to the back of his head and pulled him closer. Our tongues collided fiercely as we poured all of our emotion into each other—drinking it up and breathing it in one last time.

  As we came up for air, Cam held me to him, our foreheads resting together as his hands moved to my face. "I'm so sorry, Cara." My senses tingled with the familiar sting I had grown used to over the past few days. I closed my eyes, trying to pull away, but he held me in place. "Please..." His voice faded out and his body tensed. "Please, look at me." I wanted to look at him but I knew if I did I would cave. I had to be strong. "Look at me, firecracker." He rubbed his thumb over my cheek and I surrendered.

  My eyelids flew open and I was face to face with him. I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want to say goodbye but I had already lost him. He was Amber's.

  "I have to say goodbye, Cam," I whispered to him.

  "No you can't," he said. He pushed away from me as he began to pace. "I'm not ready to say goodbye."

  "You're not ready for anything," I argued and he stopped and looked at me. I shrugged my shoulders regretfully. "I can't keep doing this."

  His eyes filled with a sense of understanding and he stood in front of me again. Taking my hands in his, he laced his fingers between mine.

  "I know you don't want to do this. What we have is too good. Please, let me try to fix it." He was right, what we had was amazing and I didn't want to do this—I had to. There was no way I was going to let another man hurt me and Cam was going to hurt me, it was only a matter of time.

  "There isn't anything to fix. You're in love with someone else and I can't compete with that. I don't want to be second place."

  "Jesus, I'm not in love with her," he protested as he pulled me closer. "She's just someone from my past now. I'm not playing games here, Cara. Yeah, I admit, I messed up the other night. But you did too." His eyes flickered enviously. "But you can't just run away when things get tough. There's something between us, something that's real, I know you can feel it." He pushed his body up against mine, invading my space. "You just need to get out of your own damn way to see it."

  The feeling of his body pressed against mine and the scent of his skin made me weak in the knees. I had to get out of here before I gave in to him.

  "No, Cam, we have sex. That's it," I said coldly, my heart hating my head for lying. The promising expression on his face was replaced with a look of dejection as he slowly let go of my hands. He believed me. I shut my eyes and images of him embracing Amber seeped into the corners of my vision.

  My heart was screaming at me to stop but the rational side of me couldn't. Everything I wanted to say to him came flooding back, breaking the dam that was holding it in. "We both knew this was never going to last. I mean, come on, it was just a fling. This needs to end now, so we can both move on to something we actually," I paused for a moment trying to find the courage to say the next words, "want to label."

  His eyes shifted up to mine; the blue hues that were always so bright had dimmed, making his features look darker somehow, more derelict. The words were getting through to him—they were working—pushing him away inch by inch.

  Self-preservation at its finest.

  His shoulders slumped and I went in for the proverbial kill. "I was just a distraction to you anyway, someone to help you get over Amber."

  That was it, the knife in his chest, the dagger to his heart. He took a step back, his brow creasing as the words penetrated him.

  I am such a bitch!

  "This was never just a fling for me," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. Placing is hands in his pockets he turned and headed for his truck. I felt sick and vile as I watched this once overly confident man break and crumble before my eyes. Stopping just short of his truck he looked over his shoulder at me, defeat searing off of him like heat waves coming off the pavement. "You were never just a distraction, firecracker....You were my redemption."

  My breath hitched in my throat as tears filled my eyes. I couldn't move and before I knew it he was gone.

  Everything was a fucking mess—my thoughts, my ego, my nerves—everything.

  I never know what I have until it's gone and Cara had fucking left...for good.

  As I drove away from her all I could think about was how much I'd fucked up. I should've fought harder for her. I should've opened up and told her exactly how I felt.

  But I didn't.

  I assumed she knew what I was feeling when in reality she had no damn clue. Hell, I didn't have a clue. One minute I wanted more, the next I was running for the hills. She was right, I wasn't ready...for anything. But now, the only thing that I was certain about was that I would never find someone like her again. I fucked up and now it's over.

  "No, Cam, we have sex. That's it." Those words ripped my fucking heart out. The icy cold tone pulling it through my chest, slowly and painfully, until every last vein was severed.

  At first I thought she was lying. But as I watched her, none of her telltale signs were there—no pink cheeks, no awkward glances—nothing. If she had been lying, she did a damn good job of hiding it. I stood there and took every word she threw at me, each one a punch to the gut and each one hurting more than the last.

  I couldn't go home. I hadn't been there since I came back from my run to find her no longer in my bed. Her scent was still on my pillow, the bed still warm when I touched it. I had just missed her. If I hadn't gone out who knows, maybe we would have been able to work this out. She had too much time to think and that was always our undoing.

  My phone vibrated in my pocket but I didn't care. I wasn't ready to face anyone or anything. After a quick stop at the liquor store, I set out for the highway. I needed to get far away and fast. Heading east wasn't an option though. East brought back memories of Cara and I was not ready to sift through them yet. Turning west on I-70, I headed towards the Rockies. I hoped getting lost, and drunk, on top of a mountain would push her out of my head.

  But it didn't.

  Four hours later I was sitting on my tailgate, drinking Captain out of the bottle, overlooking the cit
y of Vail—at least I thought it was Vail— and I was still fucking thinking about her. My stomach was in goddamn knots and every time I tried to pass out she was there—taking over, consuming my thoughts.

  The sun was making its decent in the sky, casting shadows over the city and my heart. I didn't even want to think of tomorrow. Cara was no longer a part of my life and just the thought of beginning a new day without her filled me with darkness.

  I laid back in the bed of my truck, my hands behind my head as I looked up at the stars that were mounting in the sky. Taking another long swig of Captain I let the warm burning effects of the alcohol take over.

  Maybe if I drink enough, she will disappear for good.

  I stood in the empty parking lot for several minutes before I finally forced myself through the door of Maggie's Place. In the process of protecting my heart I had broken the heart of a man I love because I was selfish and scared.

  Yes, I loved him.

  I think on some strange, subconscious level I had since the moment I first saw him. I looked over to the table where he had been sitting just two short months ago—the night he invaded my world.

  "Didn't anyone ever teach you that it's rude to stare, princess?" I could still hear his deep, cocky voice and it made a shiver run up my spine.

  What had I done?

  My heart started beating out of my chest. I had pushed him away and even if I told him it was a lie, he probably wouldn't believe me. For the first time in my life I had successfully pulled off lying and ironically it was the one lie I wanted to get caught telling.

  A soft knock on the door interrupted my thoughts.

  Who could that be?

  "Cam..." I said softly to myself. Hopeful, and determined it was him, I quickly ran to open it. I was on cloud nine thinking he hadn't given up on me, but was rapidly pulled back down to earth when I found Lexi standing on the other side. He hadn't come back. He was done fighting and I couldn't blame him.

  Lexi cleared her throat and I looked at her quizzically.

  "Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked as I stared at her. "You did tell me to meet you here today, didn't you?"

  Searching my mind for any familiar hint of conversation I had with Lexi the other night, I finally remembered. "Oh, shit! Yes! I'm sorry, Lex. I totally forgot."

  "It's okay." She smiled sweetly. "Is this a bad time? We can totally re-schedule if you need to." Her sassy southern accent sounded so genuine.

  "No, no, come in." I opened the door further, motioning to her to step inside. "Let's get your paperwork done so you can start working. Being short staffed has been taking a toll on everyone."

  I led her back to the office where we sat for the next hour filling out paperwork while we discussed her new job. It was a nice diversion.

  The more time I spent around Lexi the more I liked her. I knew she was going to fit in well here and I couldn't wait to introduce her to Shay.

  "Well, that's about it," I said, standing up. Lexi mimicked me and stood as well. "You start tomorrow, chick. Are you ready for this?"

  "Hell yeah, I'm ready," she said with a huge smile. "Thank you so much, Cara. I don't know what I would have done—"

  "Don't thank me yet," I interrupted her. "This job isn't easy." Her smile faded a bit. "You have to hold your own against some of the arrogant jackasses that come in here. I can't tell you how many girls I've hired that don't even make it through the first night. If you survive tomorrow...then you can thank me."

  I winked at her to ease her dispirited appearance and her beam returned. "I'm from a little town in southern Alabama where the men are rough, crude, and downright vulgar when they drink. Trust me, I can hold my own."

  I started to laugh and I knew she was going to sail through tomorrow with flying colors. I just hoped the customers were ready for her.

  Buzzz....Buzzz...

  I began to stir, the dull ache in my head making it impossible to open my eyes.

  Buzzz....Buzzz...

  Reaching out I tried to find the annoying fucking object that was disturbing my sleep.

  Buzzz....Buzzz...

  Finally finding it and realizing it was my phone, I hit the snooze button and tossed it back where I found it. The loud clatter and the fact that it didn't shut up made me realize I wasn't in my bed.

  Buzzz....Buzzz...

  FUCK!

  Prying my eyes open, I thought I was dreaming. Darkness was everywhere and I couldn't see much. I was lying on cold metal and the crisp air was fucking freezing. Picking my phone back up, I swiped the screen and answered it.

  "Hello," I said, my voice weak and shaky. Covering my eyes with my hand, I tried to ward off the violent throbbing that was making me wish I was fucking dead.

  "Jesus Christ, Cam, it's about fucking time. Where the fuck are you?" The tempered male voice on the other end made bile rise in my throat. It was familiar, but I couldn't for the life of me remember who it belonged to.

  "Ummm, I don't know. What time is it?" I asked whoever it was as I rubbed my temples, still trying to calm the thunderstorm inside my head.

  "It's 5am," the familiar voice bit out. "You were supposed to be here two fucking hours ago to relieve Justin. He tried calling you but when you didn't answer or show up he called me. It's a good thing I was able to rush in at 4am or he would have missed taking his family to Hawaii."

  "Oh, shit! That trade was today?" Sitting straight up I stared to panic. I couldn't believe I had forgotten about it.

  "Yeah, it was dipshit! Are you too caught up with that blond bitch to remember what day it is?" His vicious laugh ransacked me like a freight train. He was the last person I wanted to be talking to.

  "I don't have it in me right now to deal with your bullshit, Adam," I said through clenched teeth. "But thanks for saving my ass."

  "Whatever, I didn't do it for you, I did it for Justin. But you better have a fucking good reason for not showing and you owe him an apology." The condescending tone in his voice pissed me the hell off. "Also, don't forget we're on shift today, so you better be here in two hours." Then the line went dead.

  Throwing my head back I scrubbed a hand down my face and began to look around. I was surrounded by pine trees, rocks, and more fucking pine trees. Where the hell am I? Shifting my body, preparing to stand, an empty bottle of Captain rolled off my lap and just as quickly as I caught it, I remembered everything that had happened yesterday.

  Cara had broken me and I ran up here to forget about her—about everything.

  I successfully drank her away—at least for one night—but now it was time to face a new day. Knowing I wasn't going to hear her sweet voice or see her sexy smile pained me, but I knew I had to move on. After all, I had done this before. It wasn't like this was my first rodeo. I was good at pretending everything was okay—that I was happy—when in fact I was barely living. I had been lying to everyone, even myself, since Amber left.

  When I met Cara, it was like I was reborn—I was alive again. Now I was right back to where I started; only difference was, this time, there wasn't going to be another 'Cara' out there to save me.

  No nightmare.

  The fear was gone.

  I had suppressed it back down to my core. At last, my mind was at peace but my heart....it was far from it.

  It was empty, lonely and completely ravaged—an overwhelming numbness that was spreading throughout me, indicating I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

  I couldn't shake it. It had been four days since I called it off with Cam and nothing was easing the unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  The only hope I had came from Tessa. She had put it into a perspective I could handle. The words were simple but so true in every aspect.

  “Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go. If they come back to you, they were always yours. And if they don’t, then they were never yours to begin with. You just have to believe that he will always come back.”

  I knew as she spoke she wasn't just talkin
g about Cam and me. She was giving herself the advice as well.

  Blake had broken up with her the night of Matt's party and no one could figure out why. If anything, she should have dumped him after what he did to her but for some reason she didn't. She forgave him and then just like that, he ripped her heart out. He left it with her that night on Matt's porch as he walked away and never looked back.

  Now Tessa was alone, just like me. Only difference was, she had no control over it. I may have broken my own heart but at least I was in charge of it. It was my decision, my choice. I wasn't blindsided like she was. I had felt her pain before and I swore to myself I would never let that happen again. I did what I had to do to protect myself—to protect my heart, even if it didn't agree.

  "Thanks for working tonight, Shay," I told her as she came through the back door of the bar with a case of beer bottles. "Tonight is Lexi's last night of training so starting tomorrow we are back to a full staff."

  She set the heavy case down on the bar top. "No problem, chica. Kyle's been pissing me off lately anyway so I'm happy to be out of the house."

  "Still being stubborn about the whole proposing thing?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

  "No, not really, I haven't bugged him about that in weeks." She sounded perturbed as she let out a heavy sigh and jumped up on the counter. She rocked her legs back and forth restlessly as she let out a worrisome sigh.

  "Then what's his deal? Are you guys not getting along?" I asked perplexed.

  "He's just been so closed off and moody lately. It's like every little thing I say sets him off. I'm to the point that I just don't say anything when he's around."